Vincent Valentine's InboxUncensored
by ViValix96
Summary: Strictly for humorous, unserious, uncensored amusement. Vincent checks his e-mail and replies candidly. Co-written with Thanight.Please, enjoy, without leaving horrid comments. Rated M for vulgarity, language, and offensive themes. One-shot. Complete.


**_Authors' Note: Please, don't take this seriously. It's strictly for fun, the kind which happens to be a bit vulgar(If you don't like that, we reccomend you exit this screen and return to whatever you were doing beforehand). Please spare us the horrid comments if you've been offended. All names used are not real people. We don't own FFVII or Vincent Valentine, that's Square Enix's job. Thank you and have a nice day!_**

**_P.S. : A girl named Acyl appears here. She is an OC from another fanfic by ViValix96 and Annej Ennyl._**

Vincent's Diary:

Hi, it's me, Vincent, here to say that I like penis! I mean.... I had an interesting day today... I was at Reeve's today and guess what he told me? He said that I owed him something for all the free crap I got in DoC.... man, what a price! Well, I won't say I didn't like it, because it was interesting having something like that up there... um, yeah, so I think I'll chill with him for a while while Acyl has her period. I haven't gotten into that yet, but I plan on it... Well, I did try being in both places... it's better when you're on top because the other person's sweat isn't dripping down your face... so i went online and bought him one of those little teddy bears that have a t-shirt saying 'UKE' and such, and I hope he likes it... I don't exactly have a working wrist joint after thirty years in a coffin, if you know what I mean.... But that's okay... I'll just take off my claw and use my left hand... that one's okay still! Well, the only reason I haven't just dropped my pants for Acyl is that she has a strong arm... that's good for other things, too... hehehe, I think that she should just say okay, get down, and then she'll take me on a trip... whooo-hoo, that's one vacation I'll enjoy....

Great news! I've now decided to take fan-mail!!!

sharingantrio_756 writes:

"Vincent, who do you like doing better, Reeve or Acyl? And also... who's better?"

Vincent writes:

well, Reeve's the only legit screw thus far... save my hands, but nothing will ever compare to them, they're my bennies! Either way, I think that I'd enjoy doing Acyl more because she doesn't wear the same cologne as I do.... Reeve has good taste, but tastes bad.. anywho, I think that I'd try to do you, because Acyl's still on her period.

horny_4_u writes:

"Vincent, what "things" did you do in your coffin for 30 years?"

Vincent writes:

Well, there's the basic hand movements, but that gets boring fast so then I decided to flip over and make it with the red satin.. it's very smooth, but I still like that one time I left Cloud's party and went to the Honeybee inn... that chick, there... what was her name????? I think it was Miranda, but she was pretty decent, aside from the fact she had an odd obsession with my collar bones... they're still red, man!!!

viva_forever46759 writes:

"Dear Vincent. My name is Taylor. I am a girl but I just under went some surgery. A sex change for that matter. But I couldn't decide what to take off or have put on. So I kept my boobs and I now am a proud owner of a state-of-the-line penis. Would you do me?? (Hint: I upgraded and it's about 16 inches) (wink, wink)"

Vincent writes:

go see Cid, maybe he'll smoke it, next, BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU... though it might be... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NAUGHTY THOUGHTS!!!!!!

ukeisme699 writes:

"Viva, will you do me?"

Vincent writes:

... well, it depends... are you Reeve?o.O..... I guess so... how'd you get my e-mail? Why don't you just call me?... wait, that's my phone... NO, I WILL NOT BE ON BOTTOM, FUCKTARD!!!.... yes, Reeve, I know it was Cait-sith... you naughty boy1^.-

porno_man6348632 writes:

"Vincent, I am gay. But I am a seme. How would it work between us??"

Vincent writes:

we'd stand, duh!

will-likes-bass315 writes:

"Yo, Vince, what's your phone number? Can I please have it? Thanks man! You make me horny!!"

Vincent writes:

sure... 1-800-you-suck!

writes:

"I'm a Cloud fan girl. I am just wondering, did you and Cloud ever... you know... do it? Please... I NEED TO KNOW!!!"

Vincent writes:

Well, I don't really know... We've been drunk together a few times... if I did, I wish I'd remember. he's a hun! ( jeez, I know already!!!!) that was Cloud...

kadulas13 writes:

"Vincent, Is this reeeeeeeealy you? Sick! Anyway, I think that I like you...a lot. actually, I more than like you.. can I eat your mouth... and then some?"

Vincent writes:

Um..... well, there's the fact that I don't even exist in your world, but I'd have to say no because you're not exactly... a guy. Sorry....

craig_on_crack98 writes:

"Vincent, what would you do if the man that you were madly in love in dismissed you?!!"

Vincent writes:

first off, I like Vagina! Fuck you, crack head, and no, I will not do that to you, you sick minded bastard! You're a crack in the sidewalk, smoldering, fire ass bastard, you have a bitch stuck to your face after the fuck, but, oh, huh, wait, you're GAY! I'm not, I'm unic... I mean bi....

..witch96 writes:

"Yo, Viva! What would you do if you were the only dude on a cheerleading squad with like... 14 horny... sexy... bitches???"

Vincent writes:

wait... is Acyl still on her period?

THIS-IS-ACYL-CHUMP565 writes:

"Vincent!!!!!! Stop telling people that I'm on my period!!!!!! You suck ass, you dick!!!!!!! I'm going to kiss... I mean... kick your ass the next time I see you, bitch!!!"

Vincent writes:

Acyl? So you aren't on your period? How long? Have you been making it with Cloud while I'm checking my e-mail? Gee, I guess I should put a chastity belt on you, naughty thing! hehe, never mind.., don't hit me! I mean, beat me.... I mean, aww fuck you, I really want to, yes!!!! Oh, geez, I think I'm going insane! Drop your pants? Pleeeeease? I'll pay you? Please? In the shower? Me too? Damn it, fuck me already!!!!.... please?

suckthis69 writes:

"Dear Vincent Valentine. My daughter is a huge fan girl. For you, I mean. She has posters and action figures of you all over her rooms. She does... weird things with them. I know it's wrong but I put cameras all over her room. My question for you is... do you want the tapes? Please respond and I will give you my address. Thanks! (p.s. this is not my father. It's meeeeeeee, Reeve)

Vincent writes:

Again, no, I don't want kitty-smut tapes!!!! Cait sith is soooo not eroic! Get a life, asshole... wait, I use that....

.man writes:

"Excuse me, Mr. Valentine, but, I have a trombone player who is crazy about you. I mean, she named her trombone after you so she can... have... a... "Vincent Boner". I just want to know... what makes you so..._ popular_? Thanks."

Vincent writes:

I am a boner, sick! I'll send a pic! W00t. Well, I'm an emo, sexy boy, what do you expect. Are you emo? I bet you aren't, that's why you aren't nealy as smexxeh as I am! Damn, bitch, I am a white boy, what, oh, right, Fuck you, jip!

penispenispenis333 writes:

"Viva, how big are you???

Vincent writes:

where are you? It'll reach.

ohbabyohbaby6723846 writes:

"Viva, on a scale from 1 to like... 100, how offen do you jack off????"

Vincent writes:

well... id googleplex a number? is infinity between 1 and 100? A lot.... I think.... is thirty times a day a lot?

horneybobby66 writes:

""Would you do a guy/chick who was named Matt that is one hell of an ugly stripper??"

Vincent writes:

stop molesting me via e mail... you who ever you are thing....

ukeseme636 writes:

"Yo, V-man! If you were given 1 million dollars to do either Yuki from Gravatation or Orochimaru from Naruto, which would you do. (Neither is not an opition.)

Vincent writes:

one on bottom and one on top.

smexystripper1111 writes:

"Which would you rather do, eat cake or strip for money???"

Vincent writes:

I'd get fat from eating cake and phat from stripping.

yukifuka572 writes:

"Vincent, I am trying to choose between Yuki and you?? I know how many times that Yuki has "done it." How many times have you done it with another person?"

Vincent writes:

it depends... is my left hand another person? then I lost count about thirty years ago...

I_HATE_GAYS728 writes:

"Gay men suck dick! Literally!!! What made you this way???"

Vincent writes:

I... don't know..... maybe waffles?

gaypride4ever6696 writes:

"Vincent, do you call up strippers every night??? Because I do and I do not think that that is normal. What do you think?

Vincent writes:

no... I have a mirror.

chancey637 writes:

"Vincent, how do you stop people from calling you nicknames that bug that emasculate you? Please... I'm desperate... in such a way..."

Vincent writes:

Well, I show them how much of a man I am, and they call me "honeybunns" after... you know, fuck em.

dudelookslikealady3 writes:

"Yo, Viva! I just want to know... what is the best song for doing it with a male or a female? Please tell me... I have a date tonight and to tell you the truth... I have no clue what this person is!!!!"

Vincent writes:

well, I don't personally use any music because I surgically had small bells placed in my balls so I make my own music... I learned how to play twinkle twinkle last night, with your MOTHER!!!

kadajismyhomeboy1111 writes:

"I need to know something... what is the best brand of condoms???"

Vincent writes:

there isn't a best brand, because they aren't made for us men... I'm going to be selling a brand, though, called 'his pleasure', and guess what??? There's nothing in the package!

duct_tape_is_silver008 writes:

"V-man!! Where was the best place you've ever done it with a man or a woman?? Also, was it romantic???"

Vincent writes:

well... I like saying well... because I won't say good... ok, I will! The goodest fuck I ever hadded was with theas chick named ... I don't remembere, but I think It was your mom, but it was the bestes mot romanticest thing in the history of ever... NOT. Now, let's be grammatically correct, and let me tell you, I don't do it for romance... I do it for the feeling, you know, the .... wait... you wouldn't know, because you can't get any, oh, I WENT THERE!!!!

faggots_forever888 writes:

"Vincent, do you ever get these "strange" feelings when another man touches you because it happened to me and some weird white shit came out of me!! The wrong side!!!!! Am I sick??? I need your medical advice!"

Vincent writes:

you.... have... got to be kidding me!!! Well, I guess you haven't been with a _real_ man before.. call me up, baby! /:)

vincent_lover444eva writes:

"VINCENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am your biggest fan ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please call me!!!! My number 281-2737!!! Call me, lover!!!!!

Vincent writes:

I'm deeply sorry to tell you that I have another number that works out fantastically for me.... 283-9014, lawl, bitch!!!! Oh, I WENT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

skittlesRcandie writes:

"Dear Mr. Vincent Valentine, we have been imformed that you are one of the biggest man-whores around now adays. So, we ask you if you would be the spokesmodel for our new condoms, "Taste The Rainbow." Please send us an e-mail right away and we'll be happy to set up a meeting. Thanks!"

Vincent writes:

Do I get to try it out, I mean, both ends?

463 writes:

"Vincent Valentine, do you think about Lucretia alot? Did I bring up any bad memories? Am I a fag? Please, I must know!"

Vincent writes:

Ummm... only when Acyl's on her period.... but, no, because I only have good memories of my times jacking, I mean thinking, about Lucretia... and yes, you're a fag, now go kill yourself, toit!

band_geek77 writes:

"Vincent, if you could play any instrument in a high school band, what would it be and why?"

Vincent writes:

well, I think I would have to play... every saxophone, so I could play "group sax"..... or the clarinet... it looks rather... phalluc.

pretty_pole_kitty28 writes:

"Oh, Vincent, baby, well you come to the "Pole Kitty" and watch me strip?"

Vincent writes:

ummm.... I don't think that that hotel would enjoy me stopping their maid from fixing the beds, actually....

cloud9 writes:

"Hey, Vincent, it's me, Cloud. Just wondering... whatcha doing tonight? Want to get together and do something? Nothing like that but... you know..."

Vincent writes:

if not like..."that"... then how do you mean... if it were meant to be like "that", then OH YEAH, BABY!!! But otherwise, how else are we supposed to enjoy ourselves.... Fun Fact time!!! Did you know that when two friends are left bored for over 15 minutes, they resort to sexual experimentation??? So, forget to bring stuff, kay???

asswipe7370 writes:

"Vincent... you were such a good boy... what happened?? You've become a dirty, old man!! What happened to the sweet, gentle boy I used to know???"

Vincent writes:

well, I hated you, so I was nice... weird how irony works, huh? Now, go and be dead, Asswipe!

wal*mart_queen3247 writes:

"Dear Vincent, I work at Wal*Mart which is like the best store on Earth!! Tell me, what store do you shop at for all your needs?"

Vincent writes:

I shop at a store called "head"...

jack-in-the-box829 writes:

"Vince, what's your favorite color?"

Vincent writes:

your mom, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!

sex-4-me184026 writes:

"Vincent, how do you like your women???"

Vincent writes:

not like you.

triforce267 writes:

"Vincent, how do you like your MEN???"

Vincent writes:

not like you.

SABGs_6996 writes:

"Vincent, If you can take up an instrument, would you like to be a part of the Sexually Active Band Geeks? (a.k.a. SABGs)"

Vincent writes:

I already am a SABG... Sexually active breast geek.

melikevampires_683 writes:

"Vincent, i like vampires. You are some what a vampire. Do you like to suck blood?"

Vincent writes:

That's not the only thing I like to suck.../:)

dear_penis_668 writes:

"Dear Vincent, I like penis. My question to you is... does your penis watch you shave or does it look at the floor?"

Vincent writes:

well, where I shave, it's not able to watch...

IxLOVExLIFE1 writes:

"Vincent, my friend and I have a bet going. Would you do a dead, crispy rabbit belonging to some ninja who has already violated it?"

Vincent writes:

is it from the playboy mansion? Then yes, because ho's are clean, if you know what I mean. It rhymes!

i-run-with-wolves7854 writes:

"Yo, dude! Would you ever have a drinking contest with Yoda, Batman and George Bush? And if you did, who would win??"

Vincent writes:

umm.... Batman is my homeboi, yo... and Bush... he'd win because there's a lot of extra space in his head for all that booze.

princess_chancy9892 writes:

"Dude, would you autograph my butt!!!???"

Vincent writes:

that wouldn't be the first time a pen's been there, would it?

i-like-pickles22 writes:

"Vincent, what's your favorite veggie?? And fruit?"

Vincent writes:

Ma favorite fruit is... lemons.... and ma favorite veggie is... MAN SEED!

goldfish77 writes:

"Vincent, if you were deserted on an island and could bring one thing with you, what whould that be?"

Vincent writes:

lotion... you know....

comic_con_man920 writes:

"Vinny, what is your favorite thing to do on a night alone? besides masturbate?"

Vincent writes:

watch other people masturbate! HHHHeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy-oooooooooo!

SMEXY_EDWARD83 writes:

"Vincent, it's Edward. Listen, we're both vampires but from different worlds. You can fuck things without killing them. How do you do it???"

Vincent writes:

I like my women(and men, on occasion...) strong....? I don't know, but how would you know you'll kill it? you're still Virginal. Oh, I went there.


End file.
